At the wedding of Cana Jesus was not the one who was invited. Mary invites her son to come along. She is the one who calls Jesus out of himself. Despite his reluctance “it is not my timeâ€. Something is missing. They do not have enough wine. We to must awaken in our lives to what is missing. Are there people in our lives who can wake us up? Maybe it is our marriage partner, or maybe, it is someone else. As the marriage grows, we sometimes close in on ourselves. In our highly individualistic culture we can begin to think we have to do things all by ourselves. It is critical that we realise that we are not alone. Who can we talk to when we are going through a tough time? This is not just about doing things perfectly. Marriage is a willingness to work together. With uncles, aunties, friends, and children. We all have a part to play in marriage.
As we grow, our egos get in the way. Our reluctance not to change. Growth, change can seem hard. Change is a natural part of life.
When we are young we think marriage is about romance and feelings. The emotional high of the first kiss. The emotional high of the first date. The emotional high of organism and deep sense of closeness. But we quickly learn that marriage is far more than emotions, but rather a choice. A series of little choices. What do I say yes to and what do I say no to? The moment to moment parts of the day make up the tapestry of marriage. Does work take the front wheel? How do our choices shape who we are becoming? But, tapping into the original spark, the romance, once we get bogged down in the down to down demands of having children, of paying the bills of just surviving awakens us to the reason why. This is not just about sex, but rather, the little things, like holding hands, writing poetry or a letter to the other, or spending quality time over a cup of coffee. We need to be creative. We need to be fruitful. Not simply to send flowers. But to make choices that respond to the ups and the downs of marriage.
Marriage is one of the greatest vehicles of formation. When priests, nuns and single people go to bed at 9 pm, married people have to get up at 1 am to care for a sick children. Or maybe you wake up at 1 am because your child is not yet home. Choosing to stay with someone different from you can hurt us. It is as though our partners do not fully understand us. Men are from mars and women are from Venus as the book by relationship counselor John Gray goes. It takes great humility, acceptance, and willingness to get off our high horse and admit we may be wrong. Forgiveness becomes the very life blood of the marriage. This does not mean we need to always passively give up our position, but rather, there are times, when we need allow the other to take the steering wheel and sometimes we need to take the steering wheel. The waking up requires to dance between the two. There is a wrestling and struggle to explore the difference.
Marriage seeks to fulfill the needs of the other. Not just our marriage partner, but our children and other important figures who make up our essential relationships. We seek to love the other. Love is not found in force. Love is not found in control. Love is not found in possession. Love in its truest sense allows the other to be the other. Healthy marriage presents a freedom to allow the other to grow outside of the marriage. To form new hobbies, friendships, career paths apart from the marriage. There is a certain risk and uncertainty letting our partners go free and grow away from us. But realise this reflects the nature of God. This reflects the nature of the Trinity. For we are not one, we are not two, but are a community of three or more. When three or more people are gathered there I am. Think about it at the wedding of Cana, you had the marriage couple, but also Jesus. Jesus played a part. God is present. Mary shows us her way to her son. There is a sense of overflowing that extends to the mystery of who we are becoming. Thus, the vocation of marriage is never finished and reflects the ever changing nature of life’s journey which is the dance of intimacy, sacrifice and love.
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